Pets

Some guidelines to help you navigate the waters of pet ownership.

Pet Acquisition

If you do not yet have a pet, then it is time to get in the game. After reading this section, put down the handbook and go ask for one. Your instinct is probably telling you to jump to a cat or dog straight away. Slow it down. That would be a very low percentage play, so make it clear that you are willing to accept something lower maintenance that can live in a small cage or aquarium. You must first understand that your parents are going to say no. You will be told something about being too young, it is too much responsibility, or some other nonsense. Do not be discouraged! These are merely barriers to entry that must be hurdled. Start by promising to take care of all feeding and cleaning duties. Yes, both you and your parents know these are empty promises, but it is all part of the dance. Frequent use of the word “please” is also recommended and has been proven to be more persuasive when exaggerating the pronunciation (i.e. “Pleeeeeeeease?”). Go ahead and ask. Get that ball rolling.

In some cases you may sense one parent that is weakening (or may already be in favor of getting a pet) while the other parent stands firm. If you detect that their defense is not unified, it is your time to strike! Intensify your requests on the weaker parent. Create opportunities by getting alone time to make your case. This works particularly well if you have a sibling that can create a diversion for the other parent. With the proper amount of pressure, that parent will start lobbying on your behalf which helps to break down any remaining resistance.

Pet Care

You will probably be started off with something small, like a fish. This may sound lame, but it is actually an excellent introduction to what lies ahead. You will get a chance to experience what it feels like to take care and have affection for something that is going to die. In the case of the fish, that is usually within 7-10 days. Eventually you can progress to larger and furrier friends that (hopefully) last much longer. While fish can be cool, graduating to an animal that actually breathes air and poops is when the real magic happens.

The promises you made about taking care of the animal are eventually going to come back to haunt you. If feeding your pet becomes one of your chores, then you should absolutely make sure your friend is fed. But under no circumstances should you feed them without being told by an adult. You should also make it clear how unfair it is that you always have to do it. That goes double for picking up poop. Yes, it may be your job but it is also your job to complain about it and it is your parent's job to remind you. EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Pet Loss

While pets can bring untold amounts of joy into the home, you should also be prepared for the fact that they usually do not live as long as we do. The death of a pet will break your heart and will be painful. The good news is that one of your built-in superpowers as a kid is resilience. You will be able to bounce back relatively quickly. Your parents will probably not be as strong, so it is up to you to help them through this difficult time. Provide frequent hugs and encouragement, and of course ask for another pet as soon as possible.

PRO TIP: Dogs and cats can make your life easier. Spill something? Drop a bunch of crumbs on the floor? Here boy! You have a living wet-dry vac at your disposal. With practice and planning, they can even help you clear your dinner plate if you don’t like what is being served (be careful though -- they typically don’t like vegetables either). Finally, your dog or cat can be a willing scapegoat. If the smell of that silent fart is just too horrendous to own up to, your dog will take the blame without resentment. Keep in mind that your father may attempt to use this same tactic.