Laundry

Let’s talk laundry.

Your parents will probably place a hamper in your room. They will be happy if you place your dirty clothes inside the hamper, but it is really more of a suggestion and not a requirement. If your clothes are on the floor in the vicinity of the hamper, that is usually good enough. The interpretation of the term “vicinity” here is subjective, but in almost all cases a standard child's bedroom is small enough to consider any part of the room to be in the vicinity of the hamper.

If your hamper has a removable lid, it should be removed and also be placed in the vicinity of the hamper. Guess what? Your room is now a basketball court. Upon deciding that an article of clothing is dirty (see below), you should never walk to the hamper and drop it in. Instead, ball up the clothing as tightly as possible (this works particularly well with socks) and shoot it into the hamper from across the room. Do not be discouraged if you miss. Just grab another article of clothing and try again (pull something from a drawer if necessary). Missed again? You’ll get it next time! Keep practicing!

So how do you decide if something is dirty? This is surprisingly simple. Is the clothing hanging up? Is the clothing in a dresser drawer? If the answer is no, then it is dirty.

PRO TIP: Before placing anything in (or near) the hamper, be sure to turn it inside out. All clothing washes better when inside out. The only exception here are socks, which are best left in their balled up state.

After School

An important tip on what to do when you get home from school.

It is common practice for parents to interrogate you with questions shortly after school is out. You may be asked probing questions designed to break you down and gain potentially vital intelligence.

Novice parents will usually approach with something like, “Did you have a good day at school?” or “Was school fun today?” Basic questions like this are easily deflected with a quick “Yes” followed by an immediate change of topic or distraction (see: CAR RIDES).

More experienced or persistent parents may come at you with something like, "How was school today?” Do not lose your nerve. It is important to keep your answers monosyllabic. The recommended response here is a simple “Fine.” The word “Good” may be substituted on Fridays or half-days.

PRO TIP: The one time of day when you may deviate from the advice above is at bedtime. If you are being sent to bed and have exhausted all other stalling techniques (see: BEDTIME), it is appropriate to reveal some school-related detail. This tactic will catch most parents off-guard, but is not without risk. While many parents will love to hear you finally opening up about school, some may become agitated as if they have something else to do after you’re asleep. Either way, you will have added precious minutes to your evening.

Toys

Some simple tips to help you gain expertise in toy selection and handling.

We start with three simple rules of thumb:

1. Toys that make loud, repetitive sounds are ideal.
2. Age limits or recommendations on toy packaging are meaningless. 
3. The longer it takes your parent to get the toy out of the package, the shorter you should play with the toy. 

Your parents love the challenge of opening toys with lots of tape, rubber bands, twist and zip ties. It’s like a fun puzzle! But it can be challenging to know how long some toys will take to open, so it is best to just ask for as many toys as possible as often as possible to maximize your chances.

If the toy contains many small pieces, it is imperative that you scatter as many of those pieces throughout the house as possible. Be creative! Think closets, under beds and couch cushions to get you started. The floorboards of your parents’ cars are also an excellent location. You may even forget where some of these pieces are, so if they were crucial to the operation of the toy, just ask your parents to buy you another one.

PRO TIP: If small toys or pieces have sharp corners, be careful not to leave those on the floor in your room. Safety first! To avoid injury, it is best to move those to other areas like your parents’ bedroom or bathroom.

Birthdays

A few simple tips to help make birthdays as lucrative as possible.

As you get older, you are going to start getting money as a gift. You may actually start to get cash very early from grandparents that don’t want to go to a toy store.

As all the gifts are being unwrapped at your party and things are somewhat chaotic, your parents may also ask to “hold” your money for you so that it does not get lost amid all of the wrapping paper and envelopes. This is sound advice, but you must get a total in writing. If necessary, count the money with a witness present (preferably a licensed notary public) and document the total amount. If you do not, your parents will not remember the total amount later. As a result you will likely be helping to buy groceries and things you don’t even use, like soap.

PRO TIP: Learn your denominations! Granddad may be giving you large bills that your parents might swap out for singles if you are not diligent and attentive.

Eating

Follow these simple tips and you will be eating like a pro kid in no time.

Lunchtime and Other Snacks

Handling a meal is going to be situational depending upon if your parent is busy or not.

If your parent is busy doing something important, it is equally as important that you insist that you are starving. Actual hunger is not a prerequisite for this. Repeat your need for nourishment in a high, whiny voice until they acknowledge you.

On the other hand, if your parent is offering to make you something to eat, then your initial reaction is to state you are not hungry. They will probably ask two or three times. You must not waver. Insist that you are NOT hungry. Once they have made themselves something to eat and sat down, then and only then do you decide that you are hungry.

Dinnertime 

If you do not like what is being served for dinner, it is your duty to let everyone know about it. Your parents may try to trick you into trying something new. This is a trap. It will taste awful.

PRO TIP: Parents will often try to limit your daily intake of “treats” or sweets. They may claim this is for your health or to prevent cavities, but this overlooks the most important factor — That stuff tastes good. There are certain common household items that can be enjoyed surreptitiously with little risk. Some excellent examples of this are chocolate chips, marshmallows, and cake sprinkles. With proper planning and timing, the occasional handful of these can go undetected as long as care is taken to stop as soon as the bag or container falls below half full.