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I found a copy of this handbook in my son's dresser drawer. Further digging revealed hidden copies owned by my other two children.

They won't tell me where they got them and the handbook does not cite an author, but it explains SO much of their behavior. I'm sharing excerpts here as a public service to fellow parents. More entries to come.

If this is something you would like to see more of, please comment, share, and tell your friends!

Pets

Some guidelines to help you navigate the waters of pet ownership.

Pet Acquisition

If you do not yet have a pet, then it is time to get in the game. After reading this section, put down the handbook and go ask for one. Your instinct is probably telling you to jump to a cat or dog straight away. Slow it down. That would be a very low percentage play, so make it clear that you are willing to accept something lower maintenance that can live in a small cage or aquarium. You must first understand that your parents are going to say no. You will be told something about being too young, it is too much responsibility, or some other nonsense. Do not be discouraged! These are merely barriers to entry that must be hurdled. Start by promising to take care of all feeding and cleaning duties. Yes, both you and your parents know these are empty promises, but it is all part of the dance. Frequent use of the word “please” is also recommended and has been proven to be more persuasive when exaggerating the pronunciation (i.e. “Pleeeeeeeease?”). Go ahead and ask. Get that ball rolling.

In some cases you may sense one parent that is weakening (or may already be in favor of getting a pet) while the other parent stands firm. If you detect that their defense is not unified, it is your time to strike! Intensify your requests on the weaker parent. Create opportunities by getting alone time to make your case. This works particularly well if you have a sibling that can create a diversion for the other parent. With the proper amount of pressure, that parent will start lobbying on your behalf which helps to break down any remaining resistance.

Pet Care

You will probably be started off with something small, like a fish. This may sound lame, but it is actually an excellent introduction to what lies ahead. You will get a chance to experience what it feels like to take care and have affection for something that is going to die. In the case of the fish, that is usually within 7-10 days. Eventually you can progress to larger and furrier friends that (hopefully) last much longer. While fish can be cool, graduating to an animal that actually breathes air and poops is when the real magic happens.

The promises you made about taking care of the animal are eventually going to come back to haunt you. If feeding your pet becomes one of your chores, then you should absolutely make sure your friend is fed. But under no circumstances should you feed them without being told by an adult. You should also make it clear how unfair it is that you always have to do it. That goes double for picking up poop. Yes, it may be your job but it is also your job to complain about it and it is your parent's job to remind you. EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Pet Loss

While pets can bring untold amounts of joy into the home, you should also be prepared for the fact that they usually do not live as long as we do. The death of a pet will break your heart and will be painful. The good news is that one of your built-in superpowers as a kid is resilience. You will be able to bounce back relatively quickly. Your parents will probably not be as strong, so it is up to you to help them through this difficult time. Provide frequent hugs and encouragement, and of course ask for another pet as soon as possible.

PRO TIP: Dogs and cats can make your life easier. Spill something? Drop a bunch of crumbs on the floor? Here boy! You have a living wet-dry vac at your disposal. With practice and planning, they can even help you clear your dinner plate if you don’t like what is being served (be careful though -- they typically don’t like vegetables either). Finally, your dog or cat can be a willing scapegoat. If the smell of that silent fart is just too horrendous to own up to, your dog will take the blame without resentment. Keep in mind that your father may attempt to use this same tactic.

Bedtime

Your parents will work hard to establish a regular and predictable time for bed. You must work just as hard to disrupt this. Just remember these time-tested axioms:

Find a Way to Delay!
Stall Above All!

Here are some important tips to help you. 

First things first -- You are not tired. You are never tired. It cannot be emphasized enough how not tired you are. Your parents may try to tell you that you are, so it is your responsibility to let them know: You. Are. Not. Tired. 

Not tired.

Having said that, you may occasionally experience feelings of fatigue, low energy and sleepiness accompanied by crying and irritability for no obvious reason. On these occasions, the most likely reason is because your parents slipped something into your food or drink. It is not because you are tired. 

There are also times when you may slip and utter the words, “I’m tired.” When this happens, you are basically on your way to jail. In other words, what you just said can and will be used against you. Honestly, there is little that can be done to recover. It is best to learn from the mistake, go to bed and live to fight another day.

Stall Above All

As bedtime approaches, a key thing to remember is that the first mention of “bedtime" is merely the opening gambit in a lengthy negotiation. In fact, this first mention should be ignored completely. 

When bedtime is mentioned a second time, acknowledge the request and (if necessary) state that you did not hear the first request. This acknowledgement is usually enough to sustain the negotiation process, so no further bed-related action should be taken. 

A third request to go to bed should be met with some token participation. Maybe put on some pajamas or brush your teeth, but do not do both. Remember, the goal is to delay. After all, you are not even tired! 

When a fourth bedtime announcement is declared, it is time to get to the serious stalling. Below we have provided you with a handy checklist that has proven to be effective. Some of these are to be used just prior to being sent to bed, while others are excellent reasons to escape from bed after your parents think they have won. 

You may mix up the order and frequency here or use different combinations. It is best to stick to 7-10 tactics per evening though. Parents will resist your first few attempts, but persistence combined with creativity and volume will keep them off balance and should result in extended play time. 

Bedtime Checklist: 

☐ Ask for 10 more minutes. 

☐ Beg for 5 more minutes. 

☐ Plead for 3 more minutes. 

☐ If watching TV, plead to watch until the next commercial. 

☐ Ask your parent to read to you. 

☐ Ask if you can read. 

☐ When reading, plead to finish just one more page. 

☐ You need some water. 

☐ “Misplace" your favorite stuffed animal or blanket.  

☐ “Forget” to do part of your homework (See: HOMEWORK). 

☐ You have to go to the bathroom.

☐ Ask to draw/color. If parents think you’re being creative, they will often cut you some slack.

☐ You are hungry. You will probably only be offered something like fruit, but it is worth it. 

☐ You still need to brush your teeth. This one works particularly well if you already brushed your teeth, but were able to use the “hunger” tactic above to eat something after brushing. 

☐ Demand to know why grownups get to stay up later. 

☐ Complain that your friends get to stay up later than you do. Be sure to point out how unfair this is. 

☐ You need to be tucked in. 

☐ You want to cuddle. 

☐ You are still thirsty. 

☐ Tell some story about your school day (See: AFTER SCHOOL). 

☐ You need to floss. This is an obvious stall tactic, but parental guilt will make it difficult to say “no” to this one. If unsupervised, actual flossing is optional. 

☐ You heard a weird noise. 

☐ Get creative! 

PRO TIP: Those with siblings can employ an advanced strategy at bedtime where you actually start getting along. The trick here is to do this while out of your parents sight, but within earshot. Laugh together. Talk in calm, friendly tones. It may feel weird at first, but this technique can have a sedative affect on parents and they will not want to disturb the “harmony” you have established. For those of you that are only children, your best bet is to just stay out of sight and do not engage.

Miscellaneous - Pull My Finger

Dads, uncles, and grandpas may ask you to pull their finger. In most cultures, it is considered rude to not oblige so a pulling is recommended. What takes place after the pull is left as an exercise for the reader, but the results are often hilarious and almost always harmless.

It is not known where this tradition originated, nor do historians understand why the phenomenon only occurs in males. In all of recorded history, there is no evidence of it ever being performed by a mother, aunt, or grandmother.

PRO TIP: As stated above, this activity is usually very safe and fun, but a word of caution is in order. Depending on the dietary habits of the owner of the finger, you should always be prepared to run or clear the area. Before pulling the finger, take a moment to locate the nearest exit.

Laundry

Let’s talk laundry.

Your parents will probably place a hamper in your room. They will be happy if you place your dirty clothes inside the hamper, but it is really more of a suggestion and not a requirement. If your clothes are on the floor in the vicinity of the hamper, that is usually good enough. The interpretation of the term “vicinity” here is subjective, but in almost all cases a standard child's bedroom is small enough to consider any part of the room to be in the vicinity of the hamper.

If your hamper has a removable lid, it should be removed and also be placed in the vicinity of the hamper. Guess what? Your room is now a basketball court. Upon deciding that an article of clothing is dirty (see below), you should never walk to the hamper and drop it in. Instead, ball up the clothing as tightly as possible (this works particularly well with socks) and shoot it into the hamper from across the room. Do not be discouraged if you miss. Just grab another article of clothing and try again (pull something from a drawer if necessary). Missed again? You’ll get it next time! Keep practicing!

So how do you decide if something is dirty? This is surprisingly simple. Is the clothing hanging up? Is the clothing in a dresser drawer? If the answer is no, then it is dirty.

PRO TIP: Before placing anything in (or near) the hamper, be sure to turn it inside out. All clothing washes better when inside out. The only exception here are socks, which are best left in their balled up state.

After School

An important tip on what to do when you get home from school.

It is common practice for parents to interrogate you with questions shortly after school is out. You may be asked probing questions designed to break you down and gain potentially vital intelligence.

Novice parents will usually approach with something like, “Did you have a good day at school?” or “Was school fun today?” Basic questions like this are easily deflected with a quick “Yes” followed by an immediate change of topic or distraction (see: CAR RIDES).

More experienced or persistent parents may come at you with something like, "How was school today?” Do not lose your nerve. It is important to keep your answers monosyllabic. The recommended response here is a simple “Fine.” The word “Good” may be substituted on Fridays or half-days.

PRO TIP: The one time of day when you may deviate from the advice above is at bedtime. If you are being sent to bed and have exhausted all other stalling techniques (see: BEDTIME), it is appropriate to reveal some school-related detail. This tactic will catch most parents off-guard, but is not without risk. While many parents will love to hear you finally opening up about school, some may become agitated as if they have something else to do after you’re asleep. Either way, you will have added precious minutes to your evening.

Toys

Some simple tips to help you gain expertise in toy selection and handling.

We start with three simple rules of thumb:

1. Toys that make loud, repetitive sounds are ideal.
2. Age limits or recommendations on toy packaging are meaningless. 
3. The longer it takes your parent to get the toy out of the package, the shorter you should play with the toy. 

Your parents love the challenge of opening toys with lots of tape, rubber bands, twist and zip ties. It’s like a fun puzzle! But it can be challenging to know how long some toys will take to open, so it is best to just ask for as many toys as possible as often as possible to maximize your chances.

If the toy contains many small pieces, it is imperative that you scatter as many of those pieces throughout the house as possible. Be creative! Think closets, under beds and couch cushions to get you started. The floorboards of your parents’ cars are also an excellent location. You may even forget where some of these pieces are, so if they were crucial to the operation of the toy, just ask your parents to buy you another one.

PRO TIP: If small toys or pieces have sharp corners, be careful not to leave those on the floor in your room. Safety first! To avoid injury, it is best to move those to other areas like your parents’ bedroom or bathroom.